MANAGING TEMPER TANTRUMS

By: Sanjay Shah, M.D.

A tantrum is an immature way of expressing anger.  Tantrums are often the most dreaded part of the “terrible twos”.  All children throw temper tantrums, some starting as early as 6-9 months.  Even children of calm and gentle parents throw tantrums.  Temperamentally difficult children are more likely to throw tantrums than others.  Whereas tantrums are universal, it is how you deal with them that decide how soon they will disappear.

Different types of tantrums should be dealt with slightly differently, however, the basic principle of not giving into unreasonable demands while maintaining your cool is essential.  The idea is to teach your child that a temper tantrum will not get them what they want.  You should also encourage your child to verbalize his anger and praise him for his good efforts to do so.

Parents may recognize some of the following tantrums and their characteristics:

1.   Frustration or fatigue related tantrums-  Children may often throw tantrums because they are frustrated with themselves, because they cannot accomplish certain tasks (like putting things together, or finishing their homework).  At this time providing encouragement, help, a snack, or some sleep is all that needs to be done.

2.   Attention seeking or demanding type tantrums-  These tantrums are used by children to get their way (get into under the sink, cabinets, garbage can, drawers, not wanting to go to day care, etc.).  They may take the form of whining, crying, rolling on the floor, slamming doors, or in extreme cases breath holding.  The best way to handle these tantrums is to completely ignore them.  Make sure that your child is safe and move away from him.  Never give in to his unreasonable demands.  Do not try to argue with your child.  Deprive him of all attention, even negative attention.

3.   Refusal type tantrums-  The refusal type tantrum occurs when your child refuses to do something he needs to do like go to day care or go to bed.  These tantrums can be prevented by giving your child about 5 minutes to make the transition.  Setting a kitchen timer may help.  If he throws a tantrum, let him have a tantrum for 2-3 minutes and then physically take him to the intended location (like the car or to bed).

4.   Disruptive tantrums- Disruptive tantrums are those in which the child is yelling, screaming, hitting you, throwing objects, or damaging property.  These are simply impossible to ignore and should not be ignored.  Putting your child in a time-out for 2-5 minutes (one minute for each year of age) is the best technique to deal with this type of tantrum.

5.   Harmful or rage type tantrums-  Rage type tantrums are ones in which your child is screaming and totally out of control.  He could also be violently throwing himself backwards or creating a possible risk for injury.  At this time you should hold your child, and acknowledge his anger without losing control yourself.  Hold him until you feel him relax and then let him go.

If handled properly most temper tantrums become quite rare by school age years.  Most children learn to express their anger appropriately.  Children quickly learn what they see their caregivers do.  Modeling good behavior and self control is the most effective way of teaching them to deal with frustrations in life.