CHILDREN USUALLY OUTGROW SIBLING RIVALRY

By: Gary Weinberger, M.D.

All families with multiple children experience some degree of sibling rivalry as a result of the natural competition between brothers and sisters.  Each child in the family craves and needs the affection and attention of his parents, and each child will not want to share his parents with a brother or sister.  The result is jealousy, possibly even violence, directed toward the sibling.

Sibling rivalry is most troublesome in families with an age difference of one-and-a-half to three years between children.  Thus, jealousy is most noticeable when parents bring a new baby into a home with a preschool-age child.  Jealous big brothers or sisters often regress to more immature behavior when a new sibling comes to live with them.

In spite of the displays of resentment, siblings almost always feel true affection for each other.  As children grow older, their need for complete parental attention lessens and their jealous outbursts also become less frequent.  Intense sibling rivalry that persists in adulthood is rare.

Parents can react to sibling rivalry in a manner that encourages more mature behavior.  Begin by praising the child when he behaves like a “grown-up” and by ignoring infant-like behavior.

Also, do not allow the children to see you comparing them—make each child feel special.  You can also make siblings feel special by spending time separately with each child.

Parents can help prevent jealous feelings by providing the older child with a secure space.  When a dispute does develop, do not take a side and only intervene if the situation becomes violent. 

If an older sibling remains extremely aggressive or you do not know how to best handle a situation, then consult your pediatrician.  The pediatrician can suggest methods to ease the tension and can refer you to a mental health professional if necessary.