Rules for Good Grand Parenting
Grand parenting is the the cake of middle age. Ask any grandparent and they will tell you "It's terrific". A grandchild is the greatest gift that your children can give you. A grandchild is a precious child to love and adore, but one who goes home at bedtime. It is the rare pleasure of unconditional love without the drudgery of discipline.
Grand parenting can be a challenge however, especially when your own children are involved ( and they almost always are). Grandparents must respect the fact that the pierced earred, spiked haired, baggy jeans generation we raised are now perfectly capable, responsible and well informed adults. We no longer need to remind them to pick up their underwear, do their homework, drive safely or be home by midnight. Even though this new freedom from childrearing responsibility is a relief, it is a very hard mode to leave behind. We still feel a driven need to educate, warn, advise and monitor our adult children. At no time in their lives is this more annoying than when our children become parents themselves. Our children's generation believes in learning all there is to know about parenting. They consult books, tapes, magazines and videos. They question their pediatrician and take child rearing classes. The good ole days of grandma being the only expert are long gone.
Our adult children often view our knowledge of childrearing as they would view Archie Bunkers knowledge of interpersonal relationships. To them, our knowledge of parenting skills is as outdated as the hula hoop, Howdy Doody and the poodle skirt. Actually, our kids have a point. Things have changed. While we put our babies to sleep on their tummies, our children are warned to avoid the risk of sudden infant death syndrome and put their babies to sleep on their back or side. Propping bottles, while done in our time, is a big NO-NO now. Honey is out (it causes botulism in infancy). So are walkers (the leading cause of head injury in young children). The wide slatted cribs (with spaces over 2 3/8 inches) which we have had stored in our basements since our children's infancy are now unsafe to use with our grandchildren. Safety plug inserts and car seats are now a necessity. Cloth diapers have been replaced by Pampers or Huggies. Theories about when to start feeding solids have changed. So much more is known now about infant care, it can make us feel obsolete. If you want to update your knowledge of child care read Your Child's Health by Barton Schmitt, M.D. or Complete Baby and Child Care by Miriam Stoppard, M.D. or The American Academy of Pediatrics Guide to Your Child's Symptoms. These books are recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics and used by pediatricians.
Regardless of how well informed you are, offering advise to your adult children about the care of their children can still be a sticky issue. A good rule of thumb is to offer advice when asked and don't get your feelings hurt if your good advice isn't followed. Remember, advice is just that...advice, not a command.
Even though knowledge about child rearing changes, one thing that never changes is a grandparent's love and devotion to their grandchild. One of the most important tasks in Grand parenting is to support the new parents as much as possible. In a survey of mothers of our patients, we found that they all appreciated help during the first week after giving birth. This includes doing laundry, cooking, running errands, cleaning the house and helping with other children. It may or may not include caring for the new baby. A new mother needs the time to bond with her infant. She may want to be totally responsible for her newborn's care, while you help with other household tasks. Or she may welcome your help with the baby. Ask her. Then gladly do whatever she wants. If you do this, you will have her undying gratitude. Other helpful hints that grandparents can do to make life easier include:
- Babysitting so that new parents can have a romantic outing or the new mother can have a time out with friends -offer to buy baby supplies if new parents can't afford them -take your grandchildren to church with you -Don't talk negatively about either of your grandchild's parents in the presence of your grandchild -Don't encourage your grandchild to break the rules of their household when they are at your house -Don't feed your grandchild forbidden foods when they come to visit -Don't overstep boundaries when parents correct their children
GRANDPARENTS ARE GREAT STORYTELLERS
Grandchildren love hearing stories and some of the best stories ever are
the stories we tell our grandchildren about when their parents were little
boys or girls. I can remember my own grandmother telling me the tale of
when my mother was a little girl. My mother was strictly forbidden to go
"down to the hollow" (a valley which separated my grandmothers
home from town). One day my mother was late for school and her only choice
was to suffer the consequences of being tardy or hope that my Nana (her
mother) didn't discover that she took a short cut to school by going
through the hollow. She chose to trust that her mother's omnipresent
vision could not detect her trail into the forbidden valley. But, after
she got home from school , as soon as my mother stepped through the door,
she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was in deep trouble. My
grandmother greeted her with hands on hips and declared a verdict both
true and terrible. "Betty Jean, you went down to the hollow!"
What followed was something in the order of a well applied hickory stick.
The thought made me cringe then and is still unbelievable today. I still
can't imagine my Nana, the epitome of love and compassion, being harsh
with anyone. As much as I couldn't believe it, I took great delight in the
fact that my mother (the queen of my household, whose word was law and who
herself could do no wrong) actually got into big trouble as a child. It
was a great story. I begged my grandmother to tell and retell the tale. As
far as I know, my mother never committed another act that was in any way
out of line. But the fact that for one brief shining moment, she too was
disobedient gave me great hope that I, just like her, would turn out fine.
The story also gave me a warning that little deeds of disobedience would
be discovered. And through questioning, when I learned that homeless men
lived "in the hollow", I realized that my Nana's warnings were
because she loved my mother and wanted to protect her. I learned that
rules are made for our own good. It was a simple story, full of lessons.
When telling stories to your grandchild about your child's past, be sure
to do so with discretion. Ask your children first if its O.K. to tell
about the time that… Nothing is so annoying to an adult child as to have
their parent betray a deep dark secret. So, check it out before you
immortalize the tale.