Helping Children Deal With Death
By Dr. Gary A. Weinberger
I recently saw a patient whose newborn brother unexpectedly died. The mother brought the patient to see me because of his grief. She was concerned that he was exhibiting signs of depression.
The death of a parent or sibling is one of the most traumatic events that can happen to a child, and grief is the natural response. Grief may also occur if a grandparent or other close relative dies, as well as if a parent or sibling is seriously ill or parents divorce.
Children experience grief in many different forms, depending on their age, developmental level, and parental response to the death. Children younger than age five do not understand the permanence of death. Infants demonstrate distress through crying and poor appetite. Toddlers are uncooperative and often regress to infant-like behavior. Older children become withdrawn. Eventually the despair resolves and is replaced with only occasional feelings of loss and subsequent questions about the lost family member. The grieving process may continue for a year, but children usually return to nearly normal functioning in four to six weeks.
Most children experience a normal grieving period without associated depression. The process can be encouraged with the following suggestions:
- Maintain the child's daily routine (other family members may need to assist the child's caregiver)
- Offer frequent calm explanations of the loss (remember the child's level of understanding when choosing words)
- Remain open to discussions about the loss (some degree of grieving may continue for years)
- Consider allowing the child to attend the funeral if he is emotionally mature and wants to participate in the ritual (prepare him for what will occur and make arrangements for another family member to take the child if he needs to leave)
The child's pediatrician can help the family work through the grieving process. In addition, he can refer the family to an appropriate mental health professional if the child is not demonstrating a return to normal functioning, if the initial despair is unusually intense, or if the child remains preoccupied with death. Additional care is also required if the parent experiences a difficult return to normal functioning.
Children may benefit from attending a function such as Camp Evergreen, which is a weekend retreat for grieving children held at Camp Loucon in Grayson County. The experience at such a camp provides the opportunity to meet other children with similar experiences and express their grief in a safe environment. Further information is available through Hospice of Central Kentucky.
If the family of a grieving child has any concerns, they should contact their child's pediatrician or other health care worker.